Today was weird. I know the word weird is ambiguous, but today was just that. Uncomfortable. Full of suspicions.
For anyone who doesn't know me, not trusting my own impressions, not being able to trust that my work makes it's own statement, not being able to trust those around me wears on me. It makes me frustrated. Disgusted. Uncomfortable.
I met my new boss today. To say that I was cautious is an understatement. I want to believe that this person was hired with the same values and traits that have been hallmarks of managers within my company for quite a long time. The events of the past two weeks have left me only with the ability to reserve judgment, to attempt to move forward with an open mind and collect observations and impressions to make an assessment of character at a later date. Very difficult because I like knowns. I like to know what to expect from others. I want to trust that everyone's word is straightforward.
I had hoped, even expected, that this new manager would want to establish a relationship or bond with me, the person Courtney, not just the work persona. Nope. No questions asked. I was expecting at least a question regarding my due date. Nada. This doesn't mean she was unfriendly, just not reaching out. . . So my first observation of this new manager is not all I was hoping for and more. I hope that it was her own discomfort that lead to these actions and not that she has already received impressions from other sources, that she is less than interested in me because she is not expecting our relationship to last.
Ugh. This sucks. All this questioning makes my brain hurt.