Sheesh. I am fatigued. Emotionally and physically. This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions and busyness. One of my favorite people in the world are hurting--hurting down deep in their souls. The kind of hurt that makes me feel guilty (stupid, worthless emotion) for having fun. Knowing that someone I love is suffering is often worse than suffering myself--mainly because there is little I can do to alleviate that pain.
At my heart, I am a fixer. Healer of wounded birds. (That wounded bird-thing got me into more than one terrible relationship.) I'm not sure what I'm trying to express other than the fact that seeing someone I love so completely sobbing in pain makes me feel unbearable hurt and helplessness and lucky all at the same time. I think the hurt and helplessness are common emotions, but the lucky part? The trust that it takes to lay bare normally unspeakable emotions--full of pain and shame and guilt and worry--makes me know that I played an important part in my friend's life. Not just in a self-gratifying way, but in a deep, compassionate, abiding love kind of way that comes with 16 years of friendship. That is a love that is rare. Rare enough that the sharing of pain starts to feel like a lucky event and important enough that it deserves it's own post.