I'm officially an aunt. Official. Elliott has a first cousin! Amanda had a smooth labor and delivery and all are resting at home peacefully. Calm before the storm, right? It was a hella long day on Thursday when this perfect little boy made his way into the world, and since my mom went to Austin with me, that meant no sitter for Elliott, which meant we all had to go together! Needless to say, 40 minutes of napping, 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and a 10pm bedtime made for a frantically hyper child. Luckily, he was mostly in a good mood. Poor guy was even chanting "nigh-nigh" when we finally made it to my sister's house. I'm going to save pictures of the little man so that his mommy and daddy receive all the glory from first glimpses. I know that Ben and Amanda are already fantastic parents, but I also know that the life and relationship that they have enjoyed over the past 10 years is now irrevocably changed. Changed for the better. . . or mostly so.
I keep telling people that I feel like I have PTSD left from the first 3-4 months of the newborn stage. It comes out like a joke, but like most humor, it's rooted in truth. As much as I want a sibling for Elliott, I am terrified of two. Sounds irrational to use the word terrified--I mean doesn't that sound all dramatic??? Well, I know of no other way to say it. Chris and I agreed to really focus our efforts on me getting pregnant when Elliott is 18 months old. Sounded reasonable and far away. Turns out that life is moving at warp speed and Ell turning 18 months old is NEXT MONDAY. Next. Monday.
I assumed that an internal switch would flip on this self-determined date and I would be 'ready.' Ha. That was stupid. I feel so ambiguous. My current train of thought is to let nature be our guide and if I get pregnant, so be it. Stop laughing. I am fully aware that anyone who knows me with any depth knows that me letting something be to chance is truly laughable.
So, in an effort to exorcise my demons, my fears must be named, right? (clears throat) Here you go:
1. How, how will I survive the nausea of the first trimester with a toddler and nasty, foul, rancid diapers to change?
2. How much will Elliott suffer because I'll be focused on another child and/or feel crapalicious?
3. I can't imagine survival of that first 3 months when the baby is up all the freakin' time with a toddler. It was damn hard the first time and I thought I was going to die.
4. Is it possible for me to divide love and make it multiply?
5. Can I go through the lack of sleep and screaming child again?
6. What if I get another baby that cries as much as Elliott did?
7. What if I put off getting pregnant so long that all my eggs are dried up?
8. How will we afford childcare for another little one?
9. I'm finally attempting to get back into shape, I know that getting preggers would put that on hold again. I don't want to start a pregnancy up in poundage.
10. How will I handle sleep deprivation with a toddler? (I know that's there twice, it's worth that)
There you have it. In the end, there is very little doubt that I want another baby, there's just so many unknowns and worries that goes with being a parent and seeing my dear sister embarking on this journey just awakens all of those thoughts for me.