On Wisconsin! (and Social Anxiety)

I have more than a touch of social anxiety.  Many people who know me may doubt this, but let me assure you, it's for serious.  Medication helps, but only so much.  I think in my younger years some people thought I was snobby, some needy, some silly, but I realize now it was all born out of this stupid anxiety.

Back in the day, when I was trying to get pregnant for the first time, I  joined an on-line community.  That was 4 years ago.  I have made some real, true friends that have withstood the test of time. But you know, the internet allows you to hide behind words, to plot responses, to post only flattering photos, things of the like.

I no longer frequent the original on-line community, but via Facebook the friendships have persisted.  A smallish group of us, 16 to be exact, have maintained a close system of support, sharing some of our happiest and most challenging life moments.  We've discussed a group meet-up, but with budgets and kids and family trips, that hasn't happened yet. Part of me wants this to happen, but the other part feels super anxious that this would be a disaster. Luckily for me, one lovely lady and her family was in my area this week.  From Wisconsin.  Yep.  Exciting.  Only it meant I had to actually meet her, you know like, in person.

ARGH.  The possibility of awkward small talk (I run out of things about 5 minutes into this)? Voices that might sound weird? What if I say inappropriate things (I tend toward this)? What if she thinks I'm dressed wrong (Fashion is not one of my gifts)?  That I'm ugly (Profile pics are the devil)?  A bad mom (One kid was crying, one whiny, one skinny)?

Truthfully, as much as I wanted to meet Valerie and her family, I was completely intimidated and it did cross my mind to take the easy way out and make polite excuses as to why this wouldn't work.  But I didn't.  I anted up and went and guess what???  It was GREAT.  Of course the anxiety rears its ugly head even typing that. .  . What if Valerie didn't think the same?  Well, I'm putting it out there anyway.  It was GREAT.  Our conversation was smooth.  Flowed.  It felt like we had known each other for years.  . . which is convenient because we have.  I was actually sad for the time to be over because I could've kept saying awkward things talking the rest of the afternoon.  Maybe with adult beverages.  For those people who don't believe in friendships made in the anonymity of the interwebs, I say that isn't true.

Survival of the anxious.  Whew. Maybe that big group meet-up isn't such a bad idea afterall.

Gilded Moments

I have these friends.  I don't write about them enough, probably because I take their amazing presence in my life for granted.  Sad, but true.  Another big reason I think I don't write about them is because I have no idea how to adequately describe these friendships without throwing out every cliche possible and being generally too ooey-gooey.

Perhaps the simplest description is to say that these women have been in my life in a significant way for 15 years.  There have been joys, sadnesses, strife, frustration, more laughter than most anyone could think possible and plenty of margaritas.  Friendships of this nature cross from the simple concept of friend into family.  Family that is chosen.  The commitment I feel to these friendships is intense, similar to how I feel about the commitment to my sister, my husband, my children.  I am aware that many in our culture may find this odd--how can you be devoted to friendship the way you are to your children?  Because there is no other way.  I am who I am because of our history.  Because of our growth.  Because I am a better person because I have friends who keep me honest, know my quirks (there are many) and provide an outlet that allow me to grow so that I may return to my home a better wife and mother.  Is this making anyone nauseous yet?

A couple of weekends ago, these ladies and some other dear friends had one of our pilgrimages to the country.  It is fortunate that LJ's family can provide housing far from society, which makes our staying up late, howls of laughter and lack of showering go unnoticed.  These get-aways are harder to come by as we grow older, as outside commitments pull and tug on our time.  No matter, when all are equally determined and committed to make something work, it will happen.

Simplicity.  Joy.  Celebration.  Nature.  Tears.  Porch-sitting.  Game playing.

Sunset on the Beer Blind.  

Skittles vodka, anyone?

Dominoes, beer and sunshine?  Yes, please.

Birthday cake!  

West Texas provides its own form of beauty.

The nearest town, roughly 250 people, has one restaurant.  The food is good.  The prices are cheap and the decor is bizarre.  

This was the sign out front.

Scary puppet-thing in the window next to the restaurant.

After dinner at the restaurant, we saw a big ol' rattlesnake in the road.  We know it was a rattlesnake because there was zero traffic, so there was a mandatory stop to check it out.  Back at the house, we did some serious star-gazing.  That's because the kind of dark it is with no other humans in sight, no lights from any other houses in the distance, no streetlights is a serious star-gazing opportunity.  Returning to reality is always difficult, no matter the good things to which I am returning.  Those magic, gilded moments are hard to leave behind.  But it is just a place, symbolic to our friendship, yes, but the core of these friendships goes far beyond setting, age or normal expectations.  I am one lucky lady.  

It was Unintentional

I didn't mean to be on a blogging-break.  BUT here's what happened:  my best friend's birthday=getting home late, too exhausted to function the next day, the next day was packing & laundry, then three days of bliss with the girls far away from society.  Then today was Pink Eye Day (for Ell, not me) which has forced me to do childcare all day and then work all night.  I have some doozies to post--random nakedness, more laughter than you can stand, etc.  Now to find time for the posts to make it farther than my brain just as I'm drifting off to sleep or doing something mindless.  I swear.  Being an adult is exhausting some times.